IB stopped in July,been on JSA, wanting to try ESA

Short history as I'm new here.

Was on IB for a few years, depression.

Got ATOS writing me off as 'fit' in July, which I only found out about in Auguest from a P45 sent to me as they neither phoned me or wrote to me with a decision.

Had to go on JSA as I had no money and no way to get it, and was told that was my only option as I'd not been to a doctor in a long while and had moved home, and my new doctor had no time for me and my malingering 'depression' nonsense and didn't want me wasting his time, charming man.

Anyways, at one point I got employed in a part time capacity, but fell asleep at work a few times, and often had to go to the staff toilets to calm down or to settle an impending panic attack, but didn't feel I could approach any of the staff.

It came to a head and one morning I took in my resignation letter and went back to JSA.

Turns out I was fortunate enough to be allowed back onto it despite leaving due to a clause called 'employment on trial'.

However, I don't feel capable of work, certainly not full time, and only in very specific situations. I have those situations near me, where I volunteer, helping people with computer use at a community centre, but I'm not pressured there and don't feel trapped. It's also only a few hours a week.

However, I've been written to recently, turns out an appeal I lodged after being dismissed by atos as just lazy, (well, it's how they made me feel, despite scoring 12 points, and some of the descriptors I think not being accurate to how I was) asking if I wish to proceed with a tribunal.

I think I should as I feel I've declined, and 3 points shouldn't be so hard to get when I feel at least 3 were left out of the original assessment, but me having given up on the doctor I feel will count heavily against me. I'm going to see my new one soon, but I know I'll feel terribly guilty about it, as tho I'm only there to get her to help me with my claim. I do want to get back on some medication and get back to being useful, but I've just had so little drive to do anything, never mind that. I can't even take care of myself or my home.

I guess in short, I'm asking, how much is a lack of doctor contact going to count against me, and how much is having been employed for a few weeks going to condemn me as fit for work, even tho I failed at the job?

Oh also will the few hours a week of volunteering be used against me as proof I can work?

I realise that I can do some limited work, but isn't that what 'limited capability for work' supposed to mean? Only recently I made a mistake and let someone down and it brought on such a low I was pretty much in bed staring at the ceiling for over a day and night. That kind of thing just doesn't fit into a normal working week is all!

Unfortunately I'm in a rather deprived area I think, and it seems the doctors are very suspicious of anyone, I've been to two at my nearest, and two at the only other surgery in my 'catchment area, and while the fourth at least seemed willing to listen to me, I only brought up my sciatica last time, as I was of the mind this could be my last to chance to have a doctor at all, and didn't want to turn her against me over my depression.

I realise that sounds a bit mad, but the first two were very dismissive in a 'pull yourself together' way, and third was downright rude.

Before I moved here I'd had only two doctors my whole life, both of them very compassionate and understanding.

I have found a friend who'll accompany me to my next appointment, but I'll have to send in my tribunal paperwork tomorrow morning to make the deadlines (which is laughable considering it took them 9 months to contact me and I'm told it'll take a good 6 months to reply to this lot I'm sending).

So yes, I feel I'm rather stuck with the doctor I have, but having had previous ones that I can no longer return to who knew of my problems, I'm not wanting to just pretend they don't exist for the new ones.

Should I explain this on the forms? That due to the dismissive nature combined with my mental state I'd given up on them and didn't realise I'd need them?

Lastly, do I have to pay for medical records for the tribunal or can they access them? I hear that they're generally a lot fairer and more neutral than ATOS.

thanks in advance for your time.