ESA reassessment advice

Hi, I have read through the advice on filling out the ESA 50 and believe I can do so based on your guide and the advice my local CAB gave me. However there is still a lot I am deeply unsure about due to my situation.

I have never managed to hold down a job for more than a couple of days because I get in such a panicked crying mess. I have had what I always believed to be anxiety problems all the way back as far as my transition from primary to secondary education at which point I missed a lot of school time and Irritable Bowel Syndrome manifested itself. I am 36 now and have gone through all of that time believing as I had been told that my problems were down to Generalised Anxiety and Depression, and that once I managed to get myself out of this rut and into work I would somehow be fine and for want of a better word, normal. I have been on anti depressants since finishing university and have had 2 courses of cognitive behavioural therapy, both of which briefly seemed to help on the basis that I believed I had a grip on my issues and could now go and get on with life. The last time was in early 2018 when I was in the work related activity group and volunteered to be put on the work and health program as I really believed at the time I had things in hand. Unfortunately as has happened in the past reality caught up with me and I started to feel increasingly anxious culminating in a breakdown that summer when I just started crying while rehearsing an interview with my adviser from the Shaw Trust (the local Work and Health program contract) and could not stop. This resulted in our meeting being cut short and me leaving, but I had been dropped off by my parents rather than use public transport to get there and so I had to walk across the town to the bus station on one of the hottest days crying and suffering what I now know to have been some form of sensory overload as it was a terrifying experience in which the light hurt my eyes and everything seemed far too loud and threatening as if everything were looming over me shouting. My GP told me that I had had a panic attack and not to worry, but it took me more than 2 weeks to feel anywhere near recovered from that incident.

Luckily I have a friend that I had made online that has experience in her family of Autism and is highly likely to be on the spectrum herself that pointed out over the next few months just how like the experiences of someone on the spectrum my life sounded and persuaded me to do some research beyond the stereotypes that 'everyone knows' and read some accounts of peoples experiences and take some of the online tests (Those tests are not diagnostic, but they are the same as the ones used by many places to filter referrals and indicate likelihood). At the end of November last year I was as sure as I could be without a professional confirming it and talked to my family and arranged an appointment to see a GP, but due to the time of year and needing to see the GP that had dealt with my previous 'attack' it took until mid January to see her. I took a letter to the appointment arguing my case for believing that I may have some form of Autistic Spectrum Disorder to avoid things being derailed by my tendency to go silent and forget what I wanted to ask when seeing a Dr, and she agreed with my reasoning and started the process of making a referral. It took until August for me to receive any further information at which point I received a letter confirming my place on the waiting list and outlining the next steps once my turn came.

Sorry for the in depth recent history, but its relevant to my questions. The ESA 50 landed on the doormat this month, and while due to all my research I have found the 'key' so to speak to unlocking understanding of myself I do not have medical evidence beyond the letter saying I have been referred for assessment and my medical history with my GP. I have made leaps in understanding and now know that a lot of the things I thought were normal human experiences in which the fault lay with me for not coping are in fact not common to everyone. Since my previous reassessments had been based on my limited understanding at the time, of anxiety and depression they were all that was mentioned in previous versions of my claim. The last two times I have had to go all the way to tribunal as I struggle badly in the face to face. My worry this time is that I can fill the form in far more comprehensively, but that there will be so much presented that they will for want of a better term think I am taking the urine.

Is there any advice for my situation in how I should explain that I am still coming to understand this, I am not trying to claim to have a diagnosis for Autism but my difficulties sure seem a lot like it.

Also is it worth me explaining in the box about adjustments for the face to face that because of suffering occasional delays in understanding, going blank, feeling numb etc that I do not necessarily in a short encounter do more than seem dull and quiet. Its after everything has time to sink in things hit me. Hard. I worry here though that I would be handing someone a 'how to manipulate me' handbook.

Thanks for reading and I'm very sorry this is so long.

Thanks for the reply, and sorry for the slightly confused wall of text. It is difficult to break things down into manageable chunks and when I try to explain things it gushes out a bit.

Unfortunately I will not be able to see my GP before the form has to be handed in as things are quite frankly in chaos at my local surgery due to lack of staff and the senior partner leaving. I guess I have two main questions after having read through the advice on the ESA form on this site. One is whether it is reasonable and will be of any practical effect to point out the need to use a little more depth than simple yes/no questions with a person that may be in my situation due to the oh so typical communication difficulties when under stress. Its all too easy for someone like me when under pressure to be thinking so fast and frantically that without meaning to you seize on an easy one word answer like a lifeline and only realise you should have added "but..." far later. There is also the need for them not to judge coping by appearance because of the difficulty I have with knowing and expressing emotions in those situations.

My second question seems silly but is it better to provide additional sheets as hand written or typed? (I'm sorry, I get hung on small details like this)

Thank you again for the advice. I will do as you suggest with regards to typing my answers as that will give me much more ability to draft it and keep tinkering with it until I am happy it expresses my difficulties. I have already gone through the form once making bullet point notes on lined paper as to where the difficulties meet the descriptors. I apologise for the panicky nature of some of my posts, I didn't realise just how much my difficulties with reassessment previously have affected me this time around. I can honestly say that I am genuinely terrified of it this time.

Hi, after re-writing several times I have typed up my answers to all the boxes on the form, and after getting people to proof-read it for me later I will be ready to print it out and make notes in the boxes on the form as to where the answers are. Its all clearly page numbered and headed.

The thing that worries me is that it is 9 pages long. I needed this much space to explain everything due to my lack of having an official diagnosis. Is that reasonable or am I likely to cause myself problems?